You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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