hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
