yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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