got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
