Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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