she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
