I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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