John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
