Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How does one acquire holy water?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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