Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
