I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
