I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
