I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
