Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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