it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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