My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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