i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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