Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
