i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize