he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
