did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Randomize
