Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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