You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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