Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
