Non-Jews are for practice
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
