why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize