I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
