how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
