I have demons in me.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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