my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Randomize
