No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Small penises have feelings too.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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