Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
