I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
