Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
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