my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
