She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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