I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
