you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
