Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
