Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
