I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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