i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
