He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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