Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
