Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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