I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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