Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I could make wine with my vomit
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
