Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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