We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
