Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
