I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
