I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I can't turn off my feet"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
