How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
