dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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