Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
