Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
