i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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