Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
