my phone needs a breathalizer
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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