my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
