you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
