3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
