Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
