just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
