I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
