My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
