Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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