You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just found puke in my bra..
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
They took my balls.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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