evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
