and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
